Truthfully, I don’t know how this will turn out. Right now, my brain is processing the existential crisis of life at levels I can’t quite cope with.
But, it’s been a while since I updated this blog, which is a good thing. It means I’ve felt okay. I still do, but there’s something eating at me right now and I must express it in a form that suits my hunger, my one true love: writing.
I’ve had an epiphany as of late. I think I’ve chosen chaos. I think all creatives have.
What’s a creative? The definition lends itself to several interpretations. Mine is a person that uses their mind for artistic and innovative expression, a person that wants to change something in their field, a person that won’t settle for anything other than greatness — someone that wants to be something through their individualistic thought and expression. Basically, people who create and won’t settle.
What’s settling? Settling is anything resembling the normal life, which itself is up to interpretation.
Why can’t you settle? Because settling is not chaos and a true creative must live in chaos.
Great art and expression comes from unpredictability, growth and emotion. In order to achieve those states, you must constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone, try new things and never settle.
While that may seem poetic and bold, it’s not; it’s sad, lonely and isolating.
Finding like-minded people is a daunting task that creates more disappointment than triumph. Even when you find people who can somewhat understand you, it’s never a complete understanding, as that’s genuinely impossible.
A creative also has a mix of severe egotism and crippling self-doubt combined with low self-worth. Serotonin comes from our work. It’s a mix of validation from the public and the creative’s own satisfaction after days, weeks, even months of working on a project and finally seeing the vision become reality.
It’s genuinely, a frightening dependency. It leads to writer’s block, depression, anxiety, panic and alienation, when it goes wrong. Even when it goes right, the process has moments of perceived failure. Nothing great ever came easy.
This is the path I’ve chosen.
I wouldn’t recommend it. In fact, I envy the people who are perfectly fine living a simple, normal life with a stable job, a spouse, kids, all of that. That’s just not me. I don’t want that life. Truthfully, I don’t know if that will ever change.
That doesn’t make me better, it just makes me crazy.
I’m grinding, and pushing, and hurting for this one chance, this shot at achieving my dreams. And I’m a dreamer, I’ve always had my head in the clouds.
I’m willing to make any sacrifice necessary. For me, there is no plan B. I haven’t given myself a safety net.
This is dangerous thinking, and I understand that. But to achieve your dreams, you must jump both feet in without a life-preserver. And despite all your prep, all your work and playing out every scenario in your head possible, when that time comes to jump in, there’s no guarantee you’ll swim.