I remember feeling happy yesterday.
Today, I woke up and felt empty.
I look outside, the sun has vanished.
Large stormy clouds have swallowed up the UV rays once present.
The glow of sunshine has been replaced by the gloomy and black shadows overcast.
Rain falls vigorously, splattering onto the ground, taunting the once beautiful grass.
I don’t feel that smile I had before.
The last few days I’ve woken up to a glow in my bedroom.
Now that’s been replaced by a dark and dim light barely penetrating through my window.
I rise from my bed.
I usually put on some Kanye West and Lil Uzi to get jazzed up for the day.
Today, I’m drawn to Drake “Know Yourself,” introspective Mac Miller and Earl Sweatshirt’s latest project.
All three use somber beats and in Earl’s case, it’s one of the most isolated hip hop albums I’ve ever heard.
I shouldn’t listen to this stuff.
I should try to fake happy.
I can’t, not today.
I’m going through the motions — I’ve decided.
I’ll still dap you up, but know it comes from more necessity today than anything.
We have to keep up appearances, its human nature.
It’s not that I don’t like you.
But today — I’m not real.
I’m not myself.
Or maybe I’m more myself than I ever am, depends who you ask.
The day’s begun, time to go to my class I could care less about.
If I had it my way I’d stay in all day listening to music and sleeping.
But I have responsibilities.
It’s time to kick myself in the ass and get in gear.
As I walk outside the rain trickles down and seeps into my hair.
Well damn, I tried.
After all the pep talks I’m back to square one.
Sad music again should help me cope.
I can’t shake the feeling today’s not going to go the way I want as I drive my broken down Subaru to class.
I park my car, there’s the rain again.
I put my hood up to deflect it, but it’s no use.
It’s coming down harder than before.
I only have a few yards to walk, but it feels like eternity.
I’m off today.
I like to call it a “fog.”
Most people with depression have a name for it.
I walk into the room and I’m late.
I’m usually late to class, procrastination gets the best of me.
But today I’m not having fun with it.
I sit down immediately, look forward and zombify.
I’m not even checking my laptop.
Today, I’m zoning out and contemplating life.
Well, I do that every day.
However, today I’m not real.
Class has ended.
Usually I grab something to eat, hang with friends, do something social, but not today.
My hood goes back up.
I get in my car and put on another down-tempo song and drive off.
I’m back home now, still down.
I couldn’t tell you what would actually help me right now.
Maybe I’ll get on my computer.
I have mad shit to do today.
Huh, that’s odd, a blank word document seems to have not been used.
I guess I’ll write.
An hour passes.
I finished my piece.
I feel better.
Sure, the sky has stayed gloomy and the rain continues to pour, but I feel better.
I wouldn’t say happy, but better.
For someone experiencing the effects of seasonal depression for the first time this year — that’s good.
I’m still not myself, but I’m better.
The fog has lifted.
I’m whole again.